Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
