Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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