In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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