dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
