i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
