if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Randomize
