Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
