I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
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