My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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