She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
3 2 1 whiskey
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
