Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
