hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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