Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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