i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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