They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
