after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
