you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
