So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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