I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I need moral support for this bender
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
