so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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