glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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