Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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