Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i think i scared a bird with my dick
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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