She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
