My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
