Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
