my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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