At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
