Im at strip club and am horny
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
