The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
