You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
