does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
