im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I puked a lego.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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