she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
