Do you still have your period?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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