Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
