The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
