dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
3pm strippers are depressing
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
