It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
