Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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