the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I will be naked everywhere
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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