Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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