Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
