im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Everclear isn't food dammit
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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