FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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