is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
