just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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