You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
