Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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