woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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